Holiday Gift Wrap
by SerenNoir
Summary: A mysterious individual keeps leaving ummarked gifts beneath the trees of the cast of Naruto. Warnings: Seasonal undies. Bad references to Christmas songs. My demented mind. Felt like some perverted French Abercrombie & Fitch photographer.
1. Gift Victim One: Naruto Uzumaki

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

**Comments: I'm back with another parody. After Letters to the Editor, I found that I like to write sarcasm. Big surprise, huh? So anyway, this came to me last night while talking with my best friend about different types of holiday boxers for men. I assure you it's not as creepy as it sounds.**

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**Gift Victim One: Naruto Uzumaki**

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The blond boy tore excitedly through the red and green wrapping paper to the small, rectangular box hidden underneath. This was the last present underneath his tree and the tag on the outside didn't specify where or who it came from.

Ignoring the paper cut he received from trying to rip the tape away in his rush, Naruto lifted the lid and tossed it somewhere behind him, where it would stay long after the new year rolled in.

He stared down at his gift, amusement written clearly across his features. Who in the world would even think of getting him something like this?

It was a pair of boxers, forest green in color, with bright gold bells stitched on the front. On the back, in bright red letters, it read:

_You know you want to ring **my **jingle bells_

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**There is something obviously wrong with my head. There has to be, because already have three more of these worked out.**

**Mask of Mirage**


	2. Gift Victim Two: Sabaku no Gaara

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, just the idea to this poorly thought-out parody.**

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**Gift Victim Two: Sabaku no Gaara**

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Pale teal eyes stared at the mass of blue paper, cute little snowmen decorating the outside. Whoever, for they left no name, wrapped this present botched this particular job.

If Temari hadn't asked him to carry the tree back up to the attic, he would have never noticed that he had an extra present hidden beneath the artificial shrubbery.

Yes, Gaara received Christmas presents, so drop that shocked look.

Picking the package up carefully, he tore at the paper till it dropped heavily to the wooden floor in a undistinguishable mass of paper and duct tape.

He blinked at the soft bundle of cloth in his hands, confused as to why someone bought him _underwear_ for Christmas. Hell, why didn't they just fill his stocking with coal and get it over with?

Shaking his head, he unfolded the boxers and held them up to the light. They were white, with colored gumdrops and red candy canes littered all over the back and front. On the front left leg, it read:

_I'll take you to the candy shop_

Giggling very uncharacteristically, he stripped himself of his boxers and donned the new ones, intent on showing Temari and Kankuro his new-found gift.

As he turned around to exit out of the living room, one could just catch the wording on the back:

_I'll let you lick my lollipop_

Somewhere, playing softly in the background as a comforting hum, one could vaguely hear 50 Cent.

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**Author's Note: What's sad is that I would wear those. Despite that I have no "candy".**

**Mask of Mirage**


	3. Gift Victim Three: Shikamaru Nara

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

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**Gift Victim Three: Shikamaru Nara**

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Shikamaru eyed the present distastefully, cursing his mother for forcing him to open his presents in front of them like he was some child.

Christmas was such a drag and hardly worth his time. He could name thousands of other things he could spend his money on.

Yoshino sat diagonal from him, giving him a glare that told him he better open his present and he better open it now. Shikamaru cringed away from his mother's potent glare and glanced askew at his father but Shikaku was lost in his own little world, eyes transfixed to the crackling wood in the fireplace.

Heaving a great sigh, Shikamaru removed the article from the bag, purely for his mother's sake than anything.

It was a pair of boxers, light tan and directly on the center was a giant red circle. Raising an eyebrow in suspicion, Shikamaru turned the boxers around to witness what looked like the back of a deer's head.

Written across the back in small, black block letter were the words:

"_Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"_

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**Author's Note: You have to take that in the most perverted manner or else you won't get the joke. Ah, I'm going to be shot down by Santa and his little minion of drunken elves.**

**Mask of Mirage**


	4. Gift Victim Four: Itachi Uchiha

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

**Comments: I wanted to get one of these out on Christmas so here you go! Er, spoilers for those not knowing the remaining members of the Akatsuki. I threw Deidara in there for the heck of it because I needed an uneven amount of people.**

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**Gift Victim Four: Itachi Uchiha**

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The sounds of mutual grumbling filled the room as each of the remaining Akatsuki members that were unlucky enough to be alive still, held each of their presents in their laps.

The only one who looked mildly interested in the gifts at all was Tobi and let's face it, you could give that kid a spoon and it would occupy his attention for a good few hours.

Itachi sighed heavily, each Christmas, Leader-Pein-sama, required his subordinates to trade gifts amongst each other…for some strange reason. Usually the room was left in chaos as most of the gifts were booby-trapped with exploding clay (Deidara's infallible curiosity of bombs) or morbid chunks of human flesh crudely wrapped in wax paper (a suitable gift from Zetsu's point of view).

But this year, due to the uneven amount of members, Itachi was left without a trading partner, not that that bothered him in the slightest; the gifts he usually received each year usually made it to the trash shortly after.

So, it was as follows. Pein-sama got Konan, Tobi got Deidara, and Kisame got Zetsu, respectively. Just when he thought he was going to be let off the hook, Leader-Pein-sama tossed a brightly-wrapped package at Itachi, shooting him a look that said, "Just open it and act like you care."

Itachi turned the package over in his hands, curious as to why there was no tag on it anywhere. Slowly, he ripped the paper off in a bored manner and removed the contents from the inside.

Black eyebrows arched so far up his face that they almost disappeared in his hairline. This action caused Kisame to grow curious as to what Itachi had received, it took a hell of a lot to get Itachi that surprised.

The eldest Uchiha held up a pair of baby pink boxers, catching the attention of the whole room now, they obviously being blinded by such bright attire in their normally dark and drab persona.

"Whose. Idea. Was. This."

Itachi hadn't even spoke it as a question and a shiver of fear raced down each and everyone's spine at that moment and realized that the back of the boxers had to be pretty disturbing.

Slowly, Itachi turned them around for everyone to see, and perhaps own up to it. On the back were the words:

_Plays with Elves_

And underneath the bold and raunchy writing was a small caricature of Itachi's younger brother Sasuke, adorned with a small, pointy, green elf hat.

The remaining members of the Akatsuki edged casually toward the exits, clearly not wanting to be caught in the cross-fire as Itachi pinned Kisame with his spinning Sharingan hell.

It was a shame that the shark-nin always seemed to be blamed for these kinds of things.

But, of course, Team Akatsuki didn't feel sorry at all.

Not. At. All.

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**Author's Note: Eh, crack. Good for the soul. Bad for the brain.**

**MoM**


	5. Gift Victim Five: Sasuke Uchiha

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

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**Gift Victim Number Five: Sasuke Uchiha**

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Sasuke sighed thoughtfully as he collapsed onto his couch with his bowl of diced tomatoes, grabbing the remote from the coffee table as he did so.

_How the Grinch Stole Christmas _was playing right now and it was tradition for him to curl up on his couch, alone, every Christmas morning and watch it. The tomatoes were just a little added effect.

He eyed the heaps of wrapped gifts on his front step through the small panel of glass in the door. It never failed, every year he got bombarded with presents from his fangirls, all of which he threw away later on.

The only gifts he allowed in his house were from his teammates and friends and they all had access to his house with their own special key…and pass code…and a small laser checked their eyes and thumbprints at the entrance.

Yeah, you could never be too careful, right?

Among his gifts, a lavender-hued one caught his eye and he leaned from his seat to snatch the gift from beneath his tree. There was no name on the package and Sasuke thought it odd. Tearing at the package, he spread out the item in question on his coffee table. They were a pair of puke green boxers with a black waistband, hideous in color, with a large, grinning face of his cartoon character he so admired much.

And stitched in black thread were the words:

_You're a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole_

Sasuke gaped in astonishment that someone, out there, could be so cruel on such a wonderful day. Throwing himself back on the couch, Sasuke clutched the horrendous boxers to his face and threw a bitch-fit. How dare they expose his feelings like that? He might have been stoic and emotionless but he was far from a monster! His brother Itachi was the monster.

Instantly he sobered and threw himself underneath his tree and began digging through the presents. His brother had called and said he had got him something and Itachi's presents were always the best.

Last year, he had got him these cute little elf ears from a gag gift shop downtown…

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**Author's Note: It's a parody, it's okay to laugh. Yes, I realize Sasuke wouldn't keep in touch with his brother nor would his brother have a key to his house. Sasuke throwing a bitch-fit is what I imagine he does when he's alone and feeling quite emo.**

**MoM**


	6. Gift Victim Six: Sai

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

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**Gift Victim Number Six: Sai**

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Sai was calmly sitting at his easel, so absorbed in his painting of a cobalt iris, rimmed with Kyuubi-red chakra, --the most beautiful sight he had seen in an awful long time--, when a small object came flying through his open window and slid across his desk, upsetting a stack of papers and knocking over his paints. 

Sai lurched across the table, quickly setting the paint containers right side up and blotting at the spilled liquid with already ruined pieces of rice paper. Shit, shit, _shit._

He had worked on those mission reports for a good two hours last night, pondering over what to write down instead of: **Naruto found some wild fruit on the second day, and despite of their obvious poisonous look, he ate them all in one sitting and thus, were all kept up late that night with his groans of pain.**

Sai eyed the box that had come sailing through the window with a suspicious air; no telling what sort of enemy trap lurked within in. Although, it could have been just a normal Christmas gift from Naruto and the boy would claim he was too lazy to walk up the short amount of stairs to knock on the door.

There was no name written anywhere and Sai concluded that this couldn't be from the loud-mouthed blond. Naruto always went a little overboard and his excuse for littering a package with his name would be that it was fun to write the kanji.

Slipping his index finger beneath the wrapping, he cautiously inched the tape apart and peeked underneath the bright red paper. No hidden kunai came shooting out at his face, no exploding tags blew him to smithereens. Just a simple pair of black underwear, sitting there and mocking him for being so overly-paranoid.

He pulled the article of clothing out and noticed that on the front right where the opening to the flap started was a picture of a bright red Christmas present, adorned with a large, golden bow.

And stitched on the right thigh in crimson, were the words:

_Yea sure, it's a puppy, alright…_

Sai allowed a smile to grace his face, and not one of those fake ones either. Stuffing the boxers into one of his pockets, he raced to Naruto's apartment, intent on showing the boy his brand-new "puppy". Regardless, if he liked "dogs" or not…

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**Author's Note: I don't know what the flap is called on boxers. The "puppy" is clearly Sai's "penis" and "dogs" are clearly "boys". Be perverted people, it helps sometimes.**

**MoM**


	7. Gift Giver ?

**Holiday Gift Wrap**

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**Author: Mask of Mirage**

**Rating: T**

**Comments: So, yea this is the last chapter to this little thing I have going on here. It was short but it was purely a seasonal fic that I wanted to do to help me concentrate on my other story. I appreciate the wonderful amount of reviews I've received for this parody, I really did not expect to get as many as I did. Have a wonderful 2008!**

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**Gift Giver ????**

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"_Do you think they had any idea who gave them their presents this year_?"

"No, I think they were clueless."

"_Heh, that was pretty clever of me, don't you think? All those catchy slogans, hinting to my own perversion."_

A chuckle was heard, echoing down the dank halls and rebounding off the ears of those who feared the very thing that was beyond the door.

"Yea, you sure are a number, sir," the less-evil, but not by much, voice replied.

"_Say, I didn't give you anything for Christmas…"_

"That's quite all right sir, I don't celebrate Christmas," the younger one lied quickly.

The elder adopted a disappointed expression on his pale face and stood, motioning for the other to follow him.

"_Well, come Kabuto, it is time for my daily foot massage. You know how I have trouble removing those corns on my own."_

"Yes, Lord Orochimaru-sir, right away."

Kabuto following his master out of the room, for perhaps the first time in his life wishing he had become a painter instead of a medic like his mother had wanted.

He groaned silently as he caught sight of his lord's boxers, which were peeking up over his low-rise pants. He was positive the waistband read:

_**Who's your daddy?**_

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**Author's Note:imitates crack of whip: Kabuto is Orochi-sama's little piggy. Pretty cliché ending purely because it's no secret that snake-man is one perverted cat. Oh wow, I just said cat…**

**I haven't heard that one since Nam….**

**Mask of Mirage**


End file.
